Dipsy

    My name is Dipsy, Dipsy Marathon. And I am a hamster. A six foot tall teddy bear hamster. But no one seems to mind. I’ve been arrested several times for beating people so no one really gets in my way. But things were different in high school. People used to bully me all the time. Can you imagine what it was like being the only hamster in a school of all humans? It’s not easy, I can tell you that.
    I would get bullied all the time because I had a stumpy tail that would stick out of my pants and I had long claws and only four fingers. When I had to change my shoes and socks in P.E. class all the kids would say. “What the hell man, you have four fingers on your hands and five toes on your feet?!” I said “yeah that’s how hamsters are” but even enlightening these ignorant humans didn’t keep them from calling me “four fingers”.
    But that’s all changed now. I’m not in high school anymore. I own a brokerage firm. I  know most brokerage firm owners aren’t billionaires and you might find that odd but look at me. I’m a hamster, I’m different anyway. And anyway most laws don’t apply to me. Most laws are made for those disgusting creatures they call humans.
    I hate most humans. They can’t help but fight and kill each other over whether or not a man came out of the confounded sky some two thousand years ago and claimed he was the son of god. Humans fight and kill each other over even more ridiculous things too, like who owns what land.
    I think all of that’s quite absurd. Sure us hamsters had religion too, but we don’t flaunt and fight about it. We keep it to ourselves and and don’t fight no matter what even if you’re a different breed and you believe in something else. Us hamsters are better beings than those humans.
    You, as a human probably have a bunch of other things to ask me about being a hamster and all. I’m not going to answer those now though. And if you ask other hamsters they’d probably look at you confused. I’m one of the few that actually understand all your human nonsense so don’t expect our superior species to stoop that low and start reading your books and watching your television. We don’t need that junk.
    Anyway dear reader, I would like to tell you about my last arrest. And yes it was because I, well you’ll see. Now I was standing in front of my mirror just about to clean my choppers and the tube of toothpaste decided to run off and have a laugh. This had happened before so instead of reacting the way I normally do which is in a rage but I decided to calm down and take a stroll to the supermarket where I could easily purchase another roll for a buck 25.
    As I opened the drugstore door and heard the bell ring I noticed the human cashier. It was a repulsive sight and he was of the repulsive type. He was standing behind the cash regi and he was wearing all that skimy religious decor. He might as well of had wall paper with those triangles and T’s on it. I quickly assumed he was one of the ones who would exclude other humans if they had a different skin color or had different hair of lips or went to a different house of worship. So I spoke up. “Hey you, you filthy scum. Why don’t you tell me where your tubies of toothpaste are and I’ll walk out of here without any trouble.” The clerk looked astonishingly concerned, but still walked over to the toothpaste aisle and brought me a tube. He put it in my paw and said it was for free if I didn’t give him any trouble.
    I said alright. But looking at him I just couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head. Him harassing others that weren't like him. You know he didn’t even need to harass them to disgust me. I could imagine him sitting on a train looking at everyone who was just slightly different than him and thinking he was better. For honestly no good reason what so ever. And because he disgusted me, I began.